A post-love letter.

(Picture Creds: Thisoslo on Pinterest)

I used to think of my ex with grief, anger and resentment. A wasted three years of my life. Or, a wasted year and a half after of figuring out who I was without that bit of him in me. Especially, feelings of sadness. Knowing and falling in love with this mold of a person who understands you more than anyone, only to watch that facade of a person slip away and make you doubt if that even was the person you knew. Sh*t’s hard. It’s not easy to reminisce about your ex in a positive light, but recently when he pop’s into my mind or when I think about those younger days, I have a new outlook to the memories created and ended with him.

Love is messy, hurtful, but so incredibly endearing. To fall and be in love with a person, whether that’s now or in the past, is such an enriching experience. It must forever be looked at with the same fragile eyes you once had in that start of the relationship. This past summer I’ve learned to twist “that relationship was a regret” or “ i’m so mad it took me so long to get over him” into, “i’m thankful he showed me what love is and what it looks like to truly be loved by someone”. Obviously this can’t always go for unhealthy or abusive relationships, but even in the reflection of a not-so-great relationship, the one thing that was at the heart of most past relationships is that there was love. Or at least a foundation of some type of feeling that made you stay and connect with that person. And THAT is something to be forever greatful of, especially now being alone and not having that with me constantly. You can have a certain type of feeling with friends around you, but none that’ll match being in love or falling in love with a s/o.

It’s really hard to be thankful for someone and something that hurt you so bad. Something that made you question who you even were without it. But, I look back on all the happy moments, core memories and growth that overcame me in that period of my life. So, here is my letter to you that I hope actually never gets read by you.

But to anyone else reading- thinking of my ex internally and verbally in a negative light made me anxious, mad, and sad and never did much good. Those two years of my life were filled with so much growth and happiness that no matter how it ended or where him and I stand now, I have so much to be thankful for. Go write that love letter to your ex, keep it in your journal, or burn it- but you can’t hide or ignore the high that comes with being in love with someone and how special those days of your life are. Try to think back with no regrets and just so much thankfulness that our hearts are able to feel love but only to certain people. Those people must be remembered with at least an ounce of gratitude and kindness. It’s not easy and with practice it’ll get better, but so will feelings of contentment. Content knowing its over, but also that it happened and out of billions and billions of people in the world you fell in love with that one and thats special. So effin special.

This practice has helped me grieve the loss of other people and friends in my life who have left and it’s been so comforting. It’s so easy to quickly say “I hate ____” or “____ was a waste of my time”, but it’s also so easy to think back and thank them indirectly for the impact they had on that stage of your life and the lessons you still carry with you because of that ended friendship. This is something I’m working on doing and I feel more at peace with where I am in my life right now and who I’ve chosen to surround me.

Loveletter prelude:

I remember being so in love but so scared to say I love you that I’d play Riptide by Vance Joy everytime we’d be in the car just to be able to say those words and express my feelings out loud. I don’t think you ever caught on, but it made me feel so alive to be able to get out of my chest.

The way Heavenly Father is still in my favorites playlist and everytime it plays I think back to the day you showed me it and how we both fell in love with it and eachother a little bit more.

Your road will never be the same to me and thats ok. It’s your road now, marked with our beginnings and endings of our endless adventures and hikes.

You showed me how to be loved and treated, but most importantly how to love unconditionally and unapologetically.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more authentically myself than I was with you, and for that I’ll forever cherish.

So thank you. Thank you for leaving and pushing me to be even more authentic and realign with my values.

Without you, I didn’t think I was capable of a love shown in movies.

After you, I can confidently say When Harry Met Sally was underrated compared to our love.