Liminality

We always want to be in two places at once. Whether it’s multitasking on a busy day, or sitting in the busiest place and all you can think about is wanting to be still on a beach.

When I was little all I wanted to be was 13. A teenager at last.

Then at 18 starting college, I couldn’t wait to be 21. It seemed like you could do anything you wanted to.

Now, I find myself longing for two things: to be 8 again, sitting in her treehouse playing survior with her sister, or to be post-grad living out my California dream life working in PR and being in the industry of my dreams.

I am constantly struggling between wanting to be my old or present self and my future self. Always looking ahead, imagining where I could be in 3 months, a year, 5 even, happier than ever and living in a completely different atmosphere.

I’m so obsessed with living that all I want to do is live for my future self. Live to see where I’ll end up on this path, or if I go on that trip what will happen, or how talking to that person may completely alter how I listen to a song, a never-ending cycle of living for the future me. Wondering what will happen.

Always making decisions wondering if the future me would be happy, would appreciate that choice, or hate it. But always thinking about her.

Caring more about her than I do my living, breathing, present-self right now. I want her path and her way of life to be exactly how she wants it to be, but I’m also realizing that way of thinking isn’t the way me right now is going to appreciate it when I look back on these years of life.

Everyone always told me that these 4 years of my life would be the most life-altering and amazing years. And they are. But they have been filled with the same routine. August hits and I go to school, M-F I’m in class all day and then the weekend hits and I find myself back in my favorite frat with my best friends. Then it’s Sunday, I’m drained, we debrief the weekend, and the cycle repeats. Sure, there are exceptions—like “sylly week,” fall break, Halloween, winter break, and spring break—but mostly, that’s been my life for the past three years.

I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world, yet I wonder if future me will resent doing the same thing for four years. Meanwhile, part of me is doing everything I can to have my dream career when I walk across that stage.

This year a good amount of my best friends graduated and started a new phase of their lives. Seeing them thrive in their careers gives me FOMO; they've moved out of the four-year bubble. They’re starting new chapters, moving into their first apartments, choosing where to live, settling into relationships, and chasing success. It looks so ideal right now. And the minute I get back to school I know it probably won’t, but now I’m so ready to be in that next phase of life. Seeing my future plans slowly starting to fall into place. Living for me, because my career will hopefully be settled.

Right now I’m just chasing. Chasing those future employees on LinkedIn so I can have a career, chasing going everywhere and doing everything with my best friends so we can make more of these cathartic memories together. Chasing the timeline I’ve always imagined for myself.

Today, I saw someone from the grade below me in high school got engaged, and I had a slight freakout. My life isn’t following the timeline I’d planned. ( I definitely don’t mean being engaged right now) But that’s just it—each phase of life brings a new timeline. We’re always chasing goals, trying to meet milestones by a certain age. These timelines can’t be rushed because they’re just us imagining where we should be. Which in hindsight isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when we get so caught up in chasing, we are so blind to where we are right now in life. And we forget to just be still and live.

I think we also have to appreciate the chase. Because at some point in life you won’t be chasing anything. You’ll be settled down, in your home with the love of your life and your kids running beside you, with your soul dog and you’ll be in the best place in your career. And then at that point what are you chasing? Instead, you’ll be wanting life to pause and time to slow down. You’ll want nothing more than to be in those 4 years of life again, in that bubble of a routine.

I guess you really do just have to sit back and let the pieces fall into place. (Which I might not be great at right now)

That place may not look perfect to your own eye, but you just have to trust that every piece will be where it’s meant to be.

By acknowledging we desire a dream life, we’re also acknowledging the what-if of that want.

What if it happens after all? What if all that living and chasing was for something?