Independence w/o feeling alone
All my childhood, my mom stressed how important independence was, especially as a women. A week wouldn’t go by without her saying “learn to be independent, Heath” or “I’m not always going to be here, independence is key”.
I never truly took those words into account until I went away to college and was forced into a life of independence. Before college, I had just started my journey with independence especially amongst COVID, but nothing felt like a head-first dive into independence then living in a dorm room, 5 hours away from my parents.
Nothing prepared me more for the on-going journey of independence than wandering the streets of Syracuse, NY during the day and night. Trying to maintain and balance a social life, along with having me-time and making sure my mental health and well-being were as good as they could be for a first year college student.
Independence is seemingly becoming a “trend” this summer. As it should, but there’s so much more to it then hot girl walking alone or getting lunch alone.
I’ve realized you have to master two things in order to be content and happy with your independence:
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
This is the hardest thing to be ok and have balance with.
I struggled a lot with this in highschool, where being social was something I thought was vital to maintain and keep the relationships with people around me.
But sometimes being surrounded by company that drains you and doesn’t match your energy, can end up making you feel so alone when in reality you aren’t.
This was such a big realization for me.
I had to re-think and re-center my goals and intentions and look deeper at my friendships to see which one’s were draining my energy and weren’t adding to it.
I also struggled a lot with FOMO when I got Mono my first semester of college. I was completely bedridden for like 4 weeks. Couldn’t do anything. No parties. No dinners. I couldn’t even get up to walk to class. I was in complete isolation in my dorm room. I was jealous of everyone and in utter despair.
And that was when I realized that all my jealousy and anger wasn’t getting me anywhere. It was only making me wish I was out of the situation I was in even more, which was in turn probably making me sicker. I had to accept that I had Mono and this was going to have to be my temporary new normal.
That’s the thing about missing that party or cancelling on dinner because you need a break from social activity- it’s only temporary. The thing you’re missing out on isn’t going to last forever and this well needed break and bit of space from socialization doesn’t have to have a time stamped onto it.
To un-fear the plans you’re missing out on or had to skip, means putting you first and most importantly having time to re-center and re-group with yourself without the constraints that social interaction sometimes has on us.
Going back to my points of FOMO only bringing me feelings of jealousy and despair, it also brings with it this realization: if you’re jealous and sad you’re missing out on social plans, it must stem from the fact you cannot enjoy your own company and be okay with being alone.
2. FOBA (Fear of Being Alone)
Being alone. Something I still don’t love, but have chosen to redirect how I view it and be grateful for the moments I get in my own company.
If college has made me learn anything, it’s that you’re going to have more alone moments then you think. Time alone in your quiet dormroom while you’re roomates out. That hour-long period of time when none of your friend’s schedules line up so you have to grab a bite to eat or study alone. Or getting dinner in your public dining hall all alone.
It’s not easy to go places alone or to eat alone, but at the end of the day it’s preparing you for your post-college life filled with many of those moments and more.
When I’m alone or know I have time alone, I like to spend that time by accomplishing things I wouldn’t if I were with my friends or in a social setting. I’ll make little goals for myself, such as trying something new like a new workout class or place to eat, or to read that book I’ve been eyeing.
It’s only in these moments alone where we can appreciate the overbooked social calendar, or the laughs and fun memories we have with our best friends. The sitting in silence, but not silence moment with your roomate. Because what would make those moments so fun if we were never alone? The answer: nothing, because they wouldn’t be exciting or something to look foward too. That’s how I appreciate my own company; to understand and realize that moments with the one’s we love make life so exciting and worth looking foward to.
This doesn’t mean that those self care or binge-watching nights alone aren’t to look foward to too, but it just means that I’m more grateful for the moments where I’m enjoying company other than my own. Im grateful that I have people to do so and I don’t live in complete isolation with no one to talk or vent to.
These moments alone can also make us see the beauty in quietness. Sometimes life is too much and too loud. My schedule at school can become busy and overwhelming, my anxious thoughts all over the place. But, that moment of scheduled or unscheduled quietness and alone time, stop those anxious thoughts and allow myself to re-group, reflect and re-carry on with a much better attitude and mindset.
Next time you can’t go out to that party or have to stay home because you don’t feel well, or you just need a mental health day, realize that you’re only missing out on a second of your billions and billions seconds of life and realize that sometimes alone time isn’t always something we can just get, so enjoy those planned or unplanned moments.
“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be” - Ellen Burstyn
-H <3